George W. Bush’s blog

I was talkin to this reporter person today, and I just came up with a real good bumpersticker idea for them Iraqis... here it is... "Freedom Happens".  Ain't it good?  This great idea came up to my brain when some stupid terrorist reporter asked me somethin about whether Iraq was a quagmire... 

I told him, I don’t — you know quagmire is an interesting word. If you lived in Iraq and had lived under a tyranny, you’d be saying: God, I love freedom, because that’s what’s happened.

And there are killers and radicals and murderers who kill the innocent to stop the advance of freedom. But freedom’s happening in Iraq. And we’re making progress.

Ya hear me folks, freedom's happening.  Get used to it.

I don't know if ya'lls have heard about all the crazy stuff that's been goin' on in Pakistan... but I have.  I know, I know, you people don't know what the heck Pakistan is.  Is is a new tasty frozen breakfast item from Jimmy Dean?  Is it the newest packpack style?  Heck no!  It is a country.  Now some folks might say that I myself didn't know who the president of Pakistan was when I was runnin fer preznit myself... and I say to them, so what?  I didn't need to know that information at that time.  I was only runnin fer preznit.  Now I AM preznit.  So I gots me all kind of people who tell me stuff that I'm supposed to know.  And what I was supposed to know the other day (other than the kitchen at the White House was low on hot dogs), was that the president of Pakistan sort of took over the country.  I'm not really sure how someone takes over the country that he is dictator of, but who knows... the world's a crazy place.  People do stuff I plum don't understand all the time.

Anyhow, some of the folks in the White House told me I had to do something about this whole Pakistan thing.  My first thought was to see if we could give President Musharraf some more money so he'd be good.  See I already told those people to give him something like $10 billion in unmarked non-consecutive bills over the last few years.  I figured if the money ain't traceable, he'll use it for something good.  Like democracy or somethin.  Or maybe just locking up some judges or lawyers.  Man, I hate judges.

So yeah, I kind of got off track there... so since them people told me that I couldn't send Musharraf more money, I figured I'd just get him on the horn, and talk some sense into him.  Maybe he'd come around to my way of thinkin if I used some logicalness on him.  I had a very frank discussion with him.  I opened up with tellin him that I was pretty upset that we were out of franks in the White House, and I really do like me some hot dogs...  Then I told him that You can't be the president and the head of the military at the same time.  I made a good suggestion though.  I told him that you CAN be president, and then fire any general who disagrees with you, and then just hire some spineless toady who will toe the party line as the general. They won't say peep to you.  It sure did work for me.

See here folks, I don't hate old people... just poor old people... uh wait, that didn't come out right... gall'dern it, I gotta quit doin' that!  See, I was at this here event in Pennsylvania, speechifyin' like I'm supposed to do from time to time.  I was there 'cause some people got all their panties in a bunch about how I done vetoed that bill to give poor kids health care.  I was just tryin' to explain, like I did to you folks yesterday that I never go no handouts from the government, so I just don't understand why them poor people need to get health insurance from the government.  I mean, sure, I got me some government health insurance for life.  But heck, that's 'cause I'm preznit.  If'n them poories want some of this, they gotta get them to be preznit too.  Otherwise, they should do what I did when I needed somethin', just ask daddy.  It sure worked out good for me.  I don't understand why them people don't do the same thing.  And the other thing I done told them was that if'n they daddies didn't wanna git 'em some health care, well, there's always the emergency room!

So in the middle of my speechifin', some real rude lady started askin' a question what wasn't on the list of approved topics.  Now, I don't know about you folks, but that is one thing that sure chaps my hide.  I done told all them White House people that they needed to only let people in the hall who didn't piss me off.  Let me tell ya'll, this lady sure did piss me off... (pardon my French!, young 'un's, ya'll cover yer ears and whatnot)  Here's what she said:

Crazy old bat: -- (inaudible) --

Me: Well, you raised your hand. (Laughter.) You didn't mean it? You want -- you want a little chance to collect the thoughts, you know? I mean we're talking national TV here, you know? (Laughter and applause.)

Crazy old bat: I actually wrote it down so I wouldn't get flustered.

Me: Yes -- it didn't work. (Laughter.) It's just the President.

Crazy old bat: Exactly. Thank you for picking me. I work for -- (inaudible) -- and in the last two of your budgets you have attempted to eliminate the Commodity Supplemental Food Program (CSFP)

Me: Yes. (Laughter.) I did? Anyway -- (laughter.)

Crazy old bat: Yes, sir, you did.

Me: I'm going to call the man responsible right when I get home. Anyway, go ahead.

Crazy old bat:Your Secretary of Agriculture came to visit us and we asked him about it, too.

Me: And what did he say?

Crazy old bat: Not a lot.

Me: Why did you ask that question? (Laughter.) Anyway.

Crazy old bat: “With a half-a-million seniors who rely on this food, and the food stamp benefit for seniors who live in poverty, it comes nowhere near this benefit that they receive — how do we make sure that our seniors have the food that they need?”

Me: Well, where do you get most of your food from in the food bank? Private donations, right?

Crazy old bat: Well, we’re fortunate, yes.

Me: Yes. That’s the way it ought to be. Food banks ought to be supported through the generosity of individuals. 

Now ya'lls see how I dealt with that Crazy old bat?  I really wanted to go down there and just give her a quick ass whoopin' for bein' so disrespectful to me.  I am the preznit afterall.  People just can't ask me any ol' question that they want.  It has to come from an accepted list.  But hey, as you folks know, I'm a benevolent preznit.  I mean, maybe she was so old an batty that she didn't know.  So I figured I best not whoop up on her, but just make her look like an ass in front of all them people.  See how I did that?  It was masterful.

On the substance of that stupid question, I done just made her look even more like a dunce.  And here is how I'm gonna link this 'un up with the poor kids health insurance...  see, with them kids, if they didn't get no health, there's always the emergency room...  same thing here with them old worthless poor folks.  If they don't got no kinda food, they can just go to the soup kitchen.  Problem - Problem Solved!  That's how I work people. 

Folks, I don't hate kids.  I just hate poor sick kids... uh wait... that didn't come out right...  Let me explain here.  I just vetoed a horrible bill that Congress just passed.  See here, this bill would have given health care to poor kids.  Just GIVEN it to them!  Can you believe it?  Ya'll see what's wrong with that right?  I mean, I ain't never had nothin' given to me.  My daddy bought everything that I got - with his own money.  Now look, I know the facts and figures, someone just put them on a note pad for me.  Of the over 43 million people nationwide who lack health insurance, 9 percent, or over 6 million, are under 18 years old.  Now is it my fault that them kids ain't got no kind of health care?  Darn tootin' it ain't.  Them kids should call their daddies up in Kennebunkport an have them fellas wrastle them up some insurance.  Or somthin.

As preznit, I git asked all kind of questions about stuff.  Just like the other day.  Folks were askin me about schools n' whatnot.  One way I like to answer questions is by askin another question.  Like did you see that movie the "The 30 Year Old Virgin"?  I think that's what it was called.  Anyhow, in this movie, the funny guy told the nerd to ask ladies questions rather than talkin'.  Boy howdy, that sure did work for the nerd!  I ain't no kinda nerd, but I know good advice when I hear it... that's fer sure.  So here's what I answered.  (you can skip to the 8:40 mark to hear it if'n ya want). 

Is our children learning?  As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.

I think I got that right... right?

Ya'll know that I blog.  I'm thinkin that's pretty dang obvious, 'cause you're readin' my blog right now.  In other words, I sit here any type-type on my computer, and you all read it.  That's what presidentin blogger do, they write in blogs.  So I figured since I'm part of the whole internetz blogger thing, I figured that I'd invite some other blogger types up to the white house so they could see how its done.  See, I'm a leader... I'm a leader and a teacher.  I teach.  So I showed them people a bit of the whole white house vox nerve-center as it were.  I told the folks at the white house kitchen to lay in some Mountain Dew, 'cause I heard that is what all the computer geeks like to drink.  They got a case of that stuff.  I think it was eXXXtreme.  (that's one for the young 'uns out there, see folks, the president can be cool!)

Anyhow, one of them blogger guys asked me about the whole victory in Iraq 'n such.  He wanted to know why I wasn't out there fightin with the boys, if'n I thought it was so important.  Here' the thing folks, I'd really like to be out there killin me some muzlims.  Let' God sort 'em out is what I say.  I really wish I could be in the Army, or maybe even in the Air National Guard again... hoo doggie, THAT was a good time, Air Guard... good memories... what I kin remember about it.  Anyhow, I told them bloggers that even though I'd sure love to be out there in the 130 Iraqi summer, there are two reasons, and exactly two reasons why I just can't.  Number one is that I'm too old.  Ya see, these old bones are just too fragile for fightin.  I try to keep myself fit with a strict regimin of workin out for like three or four hours a day, and I sure do bike a lot... but I'm just too feeble to fight in a real shootin war.  And number two is that folks would notice me.  Ya see, like I told you folks before, even though I travel light, I still got like 300 people and like five planes with me wherever I go.  So I'm thinkin that it would be real hard for me to like, sneak up on some folks an whatnot.  In other words, I'm not stealthy.  I make to much noise.

I got me my own tee-vee show last night to let ya'll folks know that we ain't leavin' Iraq.  I hope ya'll folks watched it.  I was good.  Now all them terrorists democrats can shut the hell up.

You've gotta think, think BIG. The Iranian issue, is the strategic threat right now facing a generation of Americans, because Iran is promoting an extreme form of religion that is competing with another extreme form of religion. Iran's a destabilizing force. And instability in that part of the world has deeply adverse consequences, like energy falling in the hands of extremist people that would use it to blackmail the West. And to couple all of that with a nuclear weapon, then you've got a dangerous situation. ... That's what I mean by strategic thought. I don't know how you learn that. I don't think there's a moment where that happened to me. I really don't. I know you're searching for it. I know it's difficult. I do know — y'know, how do you decide, how do you learn to decide things? When you make up your mind, and you stick by it — I don't know that there's a moment. I really — You either know how to do it or you don't. I think part of this is it: I ran for reasons. Principled reasons. There were principles by which I will stand on. And when I leave this office I'll stand on them. And therefore you can't get driven by polls. Polls aren't driven by principles. They're driven by the moment. By the nanosecond. By the zillionsecond.  By the quazillionsecond... or something.

Hey people, I'm "remote-bloggin" this!  That's right, I've been told that folks all over the world have access to our internetz, so I figured I'd give this foreign internetz a try.  Guess where I am?  I'm down under.  Just like that song.  Down under.  Ya ever heard that one?  Oh its a goodie!  Man, I love the 80's.  All those ladies and all that blow!  What a good time!

So anyhow, I just wanted to share with you how I like to travel.  When I'm presidentin, I like to pack light.  You see, I'm a light packer.  That's what I do, I don't bring a lot of stuff.  See, first, I got me Air Force One.  It is a pretty good plane.  Ya know, it has some fun James Bond stuff on it, like an enemy radar jammin dohicky, and radar-guided missiles, and is equipped with flares to avoid heat-seeking missiles.  Pretty neat!!  But I hear you thinkin to yerself, "what if Air Force One breaks down?"  Well, I can tell ya, that never happens.  But just in case it does, I got me a back up.  No, not back up parts, but a back up plane.  A whole 'nuther Air Force One.  Ya know, just in case.  So I hear you sayin, "what if the Air Force One breaks down, and then the back up Air Force One breaks down too?"  Well ain't that a humdinger of a fer instance!  Well, I'm about to blow yer mind.  I got's me another back up plane!  Yup, I got me three planes!  Three whole Air Force Ones.  I bring 'em with me wherever I go. 

Now, I know what yer thinkin' this time, "how about other ways to get around?"  Well friends, I got that covered too.  I also bring along two other big ole cargo planes with me too.  These are gargantuan C17 Globemaster III air transports.  They sure do look cool!  Inside them planes I gots me Marine One and a Black Hawk surveillance helicopter.  I wish I could carry some backups for them choppers, but Uncle Dick said I couldn't.  Dang that jerk!  I also got a bunch of cars.  You know I bring about 700 people with me when I travel.  I gots me 50 White House political aides, 150 national security advisers and 200 specialists from other government departments.  I also got me a couple 20-30 friends for some card games and a mean game of hungry-hungry hippo.  I also got a doctor, nurse, personal chef and four cooks.  They all gots to get around somehow.  Don't forget my car.  Cadillac One.  That sucker is pretty trick too.  Its 12cm ballistic armour makes it anti-tank-grenade-proof. It is sealed against chemical and biological attacks, too.  Finally, and most important, I got me Bike Force One.

So yeah, I try to travel light when I go.  I wish I could take it all with me.  But I can't.  Dang it, presidentin is hard.

Let me just be clear here folks, though my wife, the first lady went out in the media and told them folks that she called Uncle Karl "Pigpen," I am here to say that is not respectful.  I don't want people out there thinking that I would call one of my staff members something ugly like "Pigpen."  As far as I'm concerned, Uncle Karl will always be Turdblossom...